What to do if you and your partner have lost the common ground and the connection you once had
We’ve all been there: It’s Sunday evening and we were talking about all the things that need to happen this week. And then BOOM! We’ve ignited an argument that we can’t seem to find our way out of. Thirty minutes and a few choice words later, we aren’t even sure where it started.
We certainly recognize the place we’ve reached. It’s all too familiar. They aren’t hearing you, even though you’ve had this argument before. Maybe they shut down, walk away, or shut you out. You find yourself protesting — raising your voice, blaming, criticizing, and listing their “sins”. Eventually we land on an unstable truce and let it go. Nothing really got solved.
You go to bed, still mulling over the details. Hurt. Angry. Emotionally alone.
Something has to change or we aren’t going to make it.
If any of this sounds familiar– you’re not alone. Research shows that 80% of couples are caught in this type of dynamic. Some of those relationships are more distressed than others– but the dance is all the same.
The first thing to know is that it can be different for you and your partner, if you are willing to do the work. (If one of you isn’t sure about doing the work or is contemplating a separation, Divorce Discernment Counseling might be helpful).
What can you do to start down a journey of regaining connection and support?
First, remember that these situations are incredibly hard for both of you– this hurts so much BECAUSE it is so important. This isn’t a disagreement with the cashier at Wal-Mart. This is conflict with the person you committed your life to– YOUR person. The stakes are high here, resulting in more stress.
Second, you might consider reading Sue Johnson’s book “Hold Me Tight”. Sue developed the model of couples counseling that I have advanced training in: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). It’s designed to guide you and your spouse or partner through seven conversations to stimulate connection.
If you aren’t able to make progress with “Hold Me Tight”, it might be time to consider couples or marriage counseling. EFT has an astounding 75% success rate among couples who complete the model. 86% of couples report feeling happier in their relationship.
Sue says it best: “In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we don’t heal relationships. We create relationships that heal.”
I’ve recorded a short video about EFT– you can check it out for more information.
Isabel Groedel is a Licensed Master Social Worker who specializes in supporting adolescents, adults, couples and families in overcoming behavioral and emotional challenges. She is bilingual (English and Spanish) and is trained in EMDR and Emotion Focused Therapy.
My clinical career began with a strong interest in the psychological impact of illness and disability and a master’s degree in medical rehabilitation counseling. Helping people adjust to the unique experiences of medical journeys was powerful and fulfilling– but I soon realized that my clients’ medical needs impacted everyone in their family. Partners, parents, siblings, children: they are all touched by their loved one’s illness or disability. The whole system was in pain and their relationships were fracturing.
Early in in this work I was able to join into the lives of adults with severe and persistent mental illness and help them to fashion wellness and recovery in their own communities and with their own families. I was in the thick of life with men and women having full and robust and connected lives even while facing some of the most challenging brain diseases and it was due significantly to their close family supports. This pushed me to pursue a deeper understanding of family systems. I was lucky to be living in an area which was the birthplace of family systems therapy. I spent several years being mentored and trained by people who have devoted their research and their lives to helping develop strong connected families. This work fundamentally changed how I viewed the world and my own family. Through my time devoted to Ecosystemic Structural Family Therapy i not only learned but actually experienced that no one is ever truly alone and we grow best and heal best together.
My interest in counseling originated from a desire to repair broken relationships within my own family. My exploration to seek wholeness and restoration for the emotional wounds of my past began with reading books about how family relationships work and then progressed to my majoring in psychology in college. I began to learn about how we impact each other and how important it is to seek my own emotional health and healing. This led to my desire to not only seek my own counseling but also to pursue counseling as a career. How meaningful and fulfilling would it be to not only heal my own personal hurts and relationships but also to help others do the same?
We offer retreats, workshops, and groups that support our clients and the communities in Fayette and Coweta Counties.
Groups and Workshops are a great way to get support and improve skills in a cost effective manner! Here are the groups that are currently forming:
Couples coming to us, often report needing help with one or more of the following concerns:
The Center for Living Balance is the product of personal and business evolution. Founded by Amy Jaynes in 2016 as a solo counseling practice, the center has always focused on personal and relational well-being. As Amy’s passion for healing relational bonds continued to grow, she became more active in the professional mental health community. She was speaking at local events, serving on boards, and generally spreading the word about the power of healing attachment.
Do you need a speaker for your event or organization? We can bring any of our workshops and seminars to you! 
Staying connected through life’s many stages is challenging work– we help families wade through those disconnected moments to find the path back to connection. We see families who are seeking help with:
Many of our clients spend their days taking care of the needs of other people — often at the expense of their own well-being or needs. We understand (and live!) this unique experience that can create anxiety, depressed mood, increased stress, compassion fatigue, relational distress, and burnout for:
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