Devastating doesn’t feel like a big enough word– but it’s the best that the English language has to describe the effects of an affair on the injured partner. We hear from so many men and women who are trying to make sense of their world after finding out about physical or emotional infidelity, that it might be helpful to offer a few guiding principles that can help keep your life between the guardrails.
First, a few don’ts:
- As much as you want to scream your anger from the roof-tops of your neighborhood, do your best to not put your spouse on blast publicly. You’re going to need to support– not a bunch of nosy, gossip-hungry people adding to the chatter.
- Do not call your parents (or their parents) immediately. Your parents love you. But can they love your partner during this process? Can they accept your partner later, if they know about the affair?
- Never tell your minor children. It’s hard enough to be a kid in 2019. They don’t need to be in the middle of their parent’s infidelity.
- Interrogate your partner about the affair, especially explicit details about their physical betrayals. I understand the normal desire and NEED to know what happened. Finding out ALL the information is a false sense of security. I’m telling you now, there are mental pixels that you just cannot unsee. Almost every couple we work with in affair recovery has at least one question they wish they could take back.
- Isolate yourself. One of the major sources of hurt in infidelity is the sense that your partner and another person have a secret that you are not part of. You’ve discovered that you are isolated in their world– and you don’t need to also be isolated in your own. If you don’t have appropriate support for friends and family, reach out to professionals to help.
Now, let’s talk about what you can do:
- Find your people. Get in touch with the friend or loved-one who can listen, won’t be overly reactive, and can support you all along the roller-coaster of emotions that are coming.
- Enlist support from your parent(s) if they can come along side you with your goals, support your hurt, and would be open to any possibility of reconciliation later.
- Get support for your kids if they find out. As much as it’s rocking your world, I can assure you it’s turning their world upside down to know that one of their parents has been unfaithful.
- Make a list of all of your questions. ALL. OF. THEM. Then sit with the list and evaluate them like this: does this question get me closer to building trust? Or does this question serve my anxiety and make me feel more unstable? If it gets you closer to understanding and trust, keep it. If it serves fear and anxiety, mark it off the list.
- Find good, professional help. Not all therapists are trained and experienced in affair recovery. You’ll want to vet any professional that you contact to ensure that they have the specific training that you need. Emotionally Focused Therapy is the gold standard in couple counseling.
If you need support or want more information about our services, call 770.451.0404 or fill out the form below:
Isabel Groedel is a Licensed Master Social Worker who specializes in supporting adolescents, adults, couples and families in overcoming behavioral and emotional challenges. She is bilingual (English and Spanish) and is trained in EMDR and Emotion Focused Therapy.
My clinical career began with a strong interest in the psychological impact of illness and disability and a master’s degree in medical rehabilitation counseling. Helping people adjust to the unique experiences of medical journeys was powerful and fulfilling– but I soon realized that my clients’ medical needs impacted everyone in their family. Partners, parents, siblings, children: they are all touched by their loved one’s illness or disability. The whole system was in pain and their relationships were fracturing.
Early in in this work I was able to join into the lives of adults with severe and persistent mental illness and help them to fashion wellness and recovery in their own communities and with their own families. I was in the thick of life with men and women having full and robust and connected lives even while facing some of the most challenging brain diseases and it was due significantly to their close family supports. This pushed me to pursue a deeper understanding of family systems. I was lucky to be living in an area which was the birthplace of family systems therapy. I spent several years being mentored and trained by people who have devoted their research and their lives to helping develop strong connected families. This work fundamentally changed how I viewed the world and my own family. Through my time devoted to Ecosystemic Structural Family Therapy i not only learned but actually experienced that no one is ever truly alone and we grow best and heal best together.
My interest in counseling originated from a desire to repair broken relationships within my own family. My exploration to seek wholeness and restoration for the emotional wounds of my past began with reading books about how family relationships work and then progressed to my majoring in psychology in college. I began to learn about how we impact each other and how important it is to seek my own emotional health and healing. This led to my desire to not only seek my own counseling but also to pursue counseling as a career. How meaningful and fulfilling would it be to not only heal my own personal hurts and relationships but also to help others do the same?
We offer retreats, workshops, and groups that support our clients and the communities in Fayette and Coweta Counties.
Groups and Workshops are a great way to get support and improve skills in a cost effective manner! Here are the groups that are currently forming:
Couples coming to us, often report needing help with one or more of the following concerns:
The Center for Living Balance is the product of personal and business evolution. Founded by Amy Jaynes in 2016 as a solo counseling practice, the center has always focused on personal and relational well-being. As Amy’s passion for healing relational bonds continued to grow, she became more active in the professional mental health community. She was speaking at local events, serving on boards, and generally spreading the word about the power of healing attachment.
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Staying connected through life’s many stages is challenging work– we help families wade through those disconnected moments to find the path back to connection. We see families who are seeking help with:
Many of our clients spend their days taking care of the needs of other people — often at the expense of their own well-being or needs. We understand (and live!) this unique experience that can create anxiety, depressed mood, increased stress, compassion fatigue, relational distress, and burnout for:
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